First let me say that it has been awhile since I wrote. I haven't had much to say honestly. But I just feel like writing today....so I am...
All my life I have been fat, over weight, however you want to say it. I can blame it on my kidney problems if I wanted to. Many doctors have told me that because my kidney does not function 100% that it makes my metabolism extremely slow and I don't filter things quite right. But I think mainly I just like to eat.
I have said that after Isabella died that I ate my emotions and became the heaviest I have ever been (245). That's big for someone short like me. But honestly, at the time, I didn't really care much about myself. After Emma Catherine was born that changed. Back in January (2011) I decided I was not longer going to be fat. So I started eating right and exercising. But what was different this time was my attitude. I have tried so many diets and have always failed miserably. At one point I was going to get weight loss surgery. But shortly before the procedure was to happen, I got pregnant with Emma.
After Emma was born the weight fell off. Breast feeding rocks! By January of 2011 I was down to 240.
I woke up one day and decided that I didn't like who I was so I was going to change. And I did.... My attitude about food changed. I think having children helped this. I want them to be healthy and in order for that to happen I have to lead by example. I haven't been to a McDonald's or Taco Bell in almost one year and neither have my children. We eat a lot of fruits and vegetables and lean meats. I also do not want my husband to die of a heart attack at 40. His dad had his first heart attack at 42 and died at 60 something. That will not be my husbands fate. I buy whole wheat everything. We are going to start growing some of our own vegetables this coming Spring. Instead of beef we eat Turkey meat. I do have to have beef hamburgers though....turkey burgers are nasty. (lol)
So it is August 9, 2011. I am down to 190lbs. Doing pretty good. I've been stuck for awhile (which I expected) but I know the rest will come off in time. Losing weight doesn't happen over night. There is no need in getting discouraged about being stuck either. It is going to happen. The last time I remember being 190 was my sophomore year in college. I got stuck then too and instead of changing up my exercises I gave up. Not this time!
Everyone asks me "How do you do it...I need to do that." Here is my answer to that question:
1) Simple- I eat right and I exercise a lot. Running is my choice of exercise. I used to hate it but the more you do it the more your body craves it. It took me about 6 weeks to learn to run well. There is a learning curve and if you can make it past that point you are set. I don't run fast (I'm short) but I push myself every few days. At the end of next year I want to run a half marathon. In April of 2012 I am going to run my first 10K in Charleston over the Cooper River. I am up to 4 miles so only about 3 more to go. I want to be able to run 7 miles (outside) by April. And BTW- running outside is a lot harder than running on a treadmill.
2) I do not eat carbs at night. Do I follow this every night? No. That would be insane. But if I can help it, I plan my meals so that I am not tempted with carbs.
3) I do plan meals. The day before I eat them. And I try to stick to it. This is hard because I try to fix things I know my children will eat. They are having to learn to eat more healthy. I still fix them mac and cheese but not as often as I used to.
4) I eat slowly. Did you know it takes 20 mins for your stomach to tell your brain that you are full? EAT SLOWLY!
5) I realize that I love Mexican so when I want it, I eat it. I do not eat perfect every single meal. I would go crazy. I enjoy food. I love going to dinner with my husband. So I plan for this. For example, this Friday night we are going out on a date. We will probably go somewhere pretty nice and I plan on eating. But the rest of this week I am being good so on Friday night I can enjoy myself. However, when I do go out I make better choices and I eat slowly! I find I eat a lot less that I used to.
6) I drink nothing but water. I have my coffee in the mornings (no sugar) and sometimes OJ. But I drown myself in water.
7) Before I eat something I asses it. I ask myself: is this worth the calories? My favorite example is Mac and Cheese. Boxed Mac and Cheese-while it is good- is not worth the calories. Now if I make my homemade mac and cheese you better believe I am going to eat it because it is GOOOOOD! Worth every calorie. It's why I don't make it often. Only on special occasions. It's pretty bad for you.
I think one of the most important lessons I have learned is that it doesn't matter what I ate yesterday or the day before. What matters is what I am eating right now....today. I used to think "Oh well....blew my diet....I'll start over on Monday". Nope....not anymore. This isn't something that I am doing to simply lose weight. I am changing the way I live and the way I eat and the way I FEEL! And I feel great! I have more confidence. I feel better about myself. Everything is better: my attitude, my energy, SEX! (oh yes!)
I have 60 more lbs to go....Slowly but surely....it will happen. I'm not sure I want to post this....does anyone read this? This stuff is personal. oh well.....
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Sunday, June 19, 2011
My Miracle
TMI warning.....
I was happy. God had given me a beautiful son and a gorgeous daughter. I had a wonderful job. I was content. And then I get thrown a curve ball. Lance and I had decided that getting pregnant might be a possibility far in to the future, but right now was not the time. We had two small children that needed our attention.
In January of 2010, my little brother got shot. It was touch and go for a few months. He actually did die a couple times but the doctors brought him back. They tried to save his leg, but were not able to and it had to be amputated. He was 15.
How I got pregnant through all of this stress is beyond me. But God has His own plans.
I remember being in Wal-Mart. I was on the cereal isle. A wave a nausea hit me and I almost threw up right there by the Cheerios. It left me as fast as it came. I thought "That was so weird". The next morning I woke up feeling bleh. I took a pregnancy test thinking the whole time that there was NO WAY I was pregnant. I learned a long time ago to stop buying the line test. I can make a line appear on those whether there is one or not. So when that digi said "pregnant" I about died! I could do nothing but laugh. I just sat there and laughed. Lance walked in looking at me like "?". I showed him the test and he says "No way. Is this right? OMG we are so screwed." (Gee thanks hun...stupid men)
After the shock wore off I went to the doctor and the plan was made. I was to be seen every week until the end of my pregnancy. My pregnancy lasted 36 weeks and I had probably 20 ultrasounds done if not more. Getting through the first trimester was hard. There is nothing the doctors can do if you miscarry in the first trimester (at one point I thought I was going to miscarry but I didn't-obviously). Once I made it past 12 weeks I had a cerclage (sewing of the cervix). I wasn't on bed rest but I wasn't allowed to do much of anything. (no sex the entire time, no working out, no picking up Zachary) It was hard. I had shots every week (progesterone shots) to help prevent labor.
At 28 weeks I was at the hospital about every other weekend with labor symptoms. They always came at night and always came after a week of work. The doctor told me that I didn't have to be on bed rest as long as the cerclage stayed in place and my cervix stayed closed. It did so I was given a Rx for terbutaline to stop contractions once they started. Contractions are not good when you have a cerclage b/c the contractions can make you start to dilate which will rip the cervix. Yeah...I didn't want that.
Other than the preventative measures and weekly doctor visits the pregnancy was pretty uneventful. I was sick the entire 9 months. Threw up daily. Couldn't eat hardly anything.
Now. What I am about to say some of you may find shocking. But this is my blog and I am going to be honest. Before I talk about my feelings while pregnant I want to say that My Emma is such a blessing and miracle in my life and I cannot imagine my life without her.
I think my feelings throughout Emma's pregnancy were justified. I did not want her if I could not keep her (does that make sense?). I did not (could not) want to give birth to another baby to have her die in my arms. I would have rather the pregnancy ended early than have that happen again. And I told God this...many times. I begged Him to not take this baby from me and if I was going to lose it then I wanted it done early. I had a very hard time wrapping my head around being pregnant. I just didn't want to be pregnant. I didn't want to know the sex (though we found out it was a girl); I didn't buy anything for her until the week before I had her. I disconnected myself from the pregnancy as much as possible. Was I still excited? oh yes. But it was a very reserved, muted excited.
Once I made it past week 32 I started to get more excited. I knew that if I did go into labor early that she would live and be ok.
It was a Saturday. I woke up and the plan was to pack my hospital bag and the baby's and get laundry caught up. I had already bought groceries the day before so Lance and the kids would have something to eat while I was in the hospital. While I was cleaning, my water broke. Lance had gone to play Frisbee Golf with some friends. I called him and told him that my water had broken and he needed to meet me at the hospital. Called my mom so she could be on her way. And called my BFF, Rhonda, so she could come watch the other two kids. Lance actually said "Do I have time to play?" Umm...no hun...Im going to have a baby. (men!) I go to the hospital and start to question myself. What if my water hadn't actually broken. The doctors refused to take the stitches out until 38 weeks. I was only 35w 5d. (And miserable!) But yes! My water had broken and the stitches could come out. I was actually going to have a baby!!
I was in labor for about 15 hours I guess. Around 2 am on Sunday morning I was fully dilated. I pushed for about 30 mins. Emma Catherine was born on October 3, 2010 at 2:43 am. She weighed 5lbs 9oz and was 19 1/2 in. I kept asking if she was dead. I do not think even I realized how scared I was that Emma would die. It was all I could say. I repeated it over and over "she's not dead!" Lance was wonderful. While the nurses did their thing, Lance stayed by my side and kept reassuring me that Emma was fine and they would bring her to me when they were done.
Something funny: when they handed her to me I looked at Lance and said "See...I TOLD you she was yours!" Emma (just like Isabella) looked just like her daddy.
I think it took me a good two months to look at Emma and actually SEE Emma. For a while there it was very hard to look at her because I saw Isabella. I was madly in love with my Emma though from the very beginning. Having her healed something inside me and I began to forgive myself slowly. Emma shares my kidney problems. She has reflux in both kidneys. We are praying she grows out of it, but more than likely she will have to have surgery in a year or two. I'm not looking forward to that but after all that Lance and I have been through, I know we can make it through.
People think I am crazy when I tell them that I do want more children. But I think I will always want another baby. I am fine with not getting pregnant again. If it happened (which it won't b/c Lance is fixed) I would be happy, of course. Now that I know I am able to carry a baby to term. But the fear that comes with a pregnancy (for me) is too hard to deal with. I think if we do have another baby it will be through adoption. Lance is totally against more kids, but God always has His own Plans. If I never have another child (whether it be through adoption or not) I will be happy. I am fully satisfied and content with my family of five.
But I really do want to adopt one more time. But I want to do it internationally. I wouldn't mind getting a little boy from Haiti. We shall see..... we shall see. :)
I was happy. God had given me a beautiful son and a gorgeous daughter. I had a wonderful job. I was content. And then I get thrown a curve ball. Lance and I had decided that getting pregnant might be a possibility far in to the future, but right now was not the time. We had two small children that needed our attention.
In January of 2010, my little brother got shot. It was touch and go for a few months. He actually did die a couple times but the doctors brought him back. They tried to save his leg, but were not able to and it had to be amputated. He was 15.
How I got pregnant through all of this stress is beyond me. But God has His own plans.
I remember being in Wal-Mart. I was on the cereal isle. A wave a nausea hit me and I almost threw up right there by the Cheerios. It left me as fast as it came. I thought "That was so weird". The next morning I woke up feeling bleh. I took a pregnancy test thinking the whole time that there was NO WAY I was pregnant. I learned a long time ago to stop buying the line test. I can make a line appear on those whether there is one or not. So when that digi said "pregnant" I about died! I could do nothing but laugh. I just sat there and laughed. Lance walked in looking at me like "?". I showed him the test and he says "No way. Is this right? OMG we are so screwed." (Gee thanks hun...stupid men)
After the shock wore off I went to the doctor and the plan was made. I was to be seen every week until the end of my pregnancy. My pregnancy lasted 36 weeks and I had probably 20 ultrasounds done if not more. Getting through the first trimester was hard. There is nothing the doctors can do if you miscarry in the first trimester (at one point I thought I was going to miscarry but I didn't-obviously). Once I made it past 12 weeks I had a cerclage (sewing of the cervix). I wasn't on bed rest but I wasn't allowed to do much of anything. (no sex the entire time, no working out, no picking up Zachary) It was hard. I had shots every week (progesterone shots) to help prevent labor.
At 28 weeks I was at the hospital about every other weekend with labor symptoms. They always came at night and always came after a week of work. The doctor told me that I didn't have to be on bed rest as long as the cerclage stayed in place and my cervix stayed closed. It did so I was given a Rx for terbutaline to stop contractions once they started. Contractions are not good when you have a cerclage b/c the contractions can make you start to dilate which will rip the cervix. Yeah...I didn't want that.
Other than the preventative measures and weekly doctor visits the pregnancy was pretty uneventful. I was sick the entire 9 months. Threw up daily. Couldn't eat hardly anything.
Now. What I am about to say some of you may find shocking. But this is my blog and I am going to be honest. Before I talk about my feelings while pregnant I want to say that My Emma is such a blessing and miracle in my life and I cannot imagine my life without her.
I think my feelings throughout Emma's pregnancy were justified. I did not want her if I could not keep her (does that make sense?). I did not (could not) want to give birth to another baby to have her die in my arms. I would have rather the pregnancy ended early than have that happen again. And I told God this...many times. I begged Him to not take this baby from me and if I was going to lose it then I wanted it done early. I had a very hard time wrapping my head around being pregnant. I just didn't want to be pregnant. I didn't want to know the sex (though we found out it was a girl); I didn't buy anything for her until the week before I had her. I disconnected myself from the pregnancy as much as possible. Was I still excited? oh yes. But it was a very reserved, muted excited.
Once I made it past week 32 I started to get more excited. I knew that if I did go into labor early that she would live and be ok.
It was a Saturday. I woke up and the plan was to pack my hospital bag and the baby's and get laundry caught up. I had already bought groceries the day before so Lance and the kids would have something to eat while I was in the hospital. While I was cleaning, my water broke. Lance had gone to play Frisbee Golf with some friends. I called him and told him that my water had broken and he needed to meet me at the hospital. Called my mom so she could be on her way. And called my BFF, Rhonda, so she could come watch the other two kids. Lance actually said "Do I have time to play?" Umm...no hun...Im going to have a baby. (men!) I go to the hospital and start to question myself. What if my water hadn't actually broken. The doctors refused to take the stitches out until 38 weeks. I was only 35w 5d. (And miserable!) But yes! My water had broken and the stitches could come out. I was actually going to have a baby!!
I was in labor for about 15 hours I guess. Around 2 am on Sunday morning I was fully dilated. I pushed for about 30 mins. Emma Catherine was born on October 3, 2010 at 2:43 am. She weighed 5lbs 9oz and was 19 1/2 in. I kept asking if she was dead. I do not think even I realized how scared I was that Emma would die. It was all I could say. I repeated it over and over "she's not dead!" Lance was wonderful. While the nurses did their thing, Lance stayed by my side and kept reassuring me that Emma was fine and they would bring her to me when they were done.
Something funny: when they handed her to me I looked at Lance and said "See...I TOLD you she was yours!" Emma (just like Isabella) looked just like her daddy.
I think it took me a good two months to look at Emma and actually SEE Emma. For a while there it was very hard to look at her because I saw Isabella. I was madly in love with my Emma though from the very beginning. Having her healed something inside me and I began to forgive myself slowly. Emma shares my kidney problems. She has reflux in both kidneys. We are praying she grows out of it, but more than likely she will have to have surgery in a year or two. I'm not looking forward to that but after all that Lance and I have been through, I know we can make it through.
I think the look on Lance's face says it all.
Zachary and Sophia meeting their little sister for the first time. Let me add that in the beginning Sophia did not like Emma. But she does great with her now. Zachary was kind and loving to Emma from the moment he saw her.
Our first family photo~what a disaster!
Fall of 2010: Emma was about 2 weeks old
Emma Catherine~ 6 months: Easter 2011
Mother's Day 2011....7 months.
But I really do want to adopt one more time. But I want to do it internationally. I wouldn't mind getting a little boy from Haiti. We shall see..... we shall see. :)
Saturday, June 18, 2011
My Ladybug Princess
Shortly after Isabella passed, Lance's brother got into a horrible car wreck. He broke his back and ,amazingly, is still able to walk. It was touch and go there for a day but he pulled through. While we were at the hospital (a place I wanted to be so far away from after being there for what seemed like an eternity) there was a baby that was born at the hospital and abandoned that very day. Well, Lance and I immediately wanted to take this little boy home with us. After what seemed like a million phone calls we found out we couldn't take him home. But we found out about the foster/adoption program through SC DSS.
Let me take a second to clarify some details. Zachary was 6 months old when Isabella died. Lance's brother had his wreck about 2 weeks after Izzy. Isabella died in May of 2008. In August of 2008 our second adoption journey began.
Once we found out we could adopt from the foster care system (FOR FREE!) we were so excited! We were able to pick the age range (we only wanted our next child to be younger than Zachary sense he was our first born). We were also able to pick the gender. We both wanted a girl (though I think if Melyssa-our case worker- had called with a little boy we would not have turned him down) But I had all of the little girl things from when I was pregnant with Isabella.
Our first meeting was in August of 2008 just 3 short months after Isabella died. We thought the adoption process would take years and we were fine with that. Zachary was still very young. Our homestudy was complete in January of 2009 and we received our "adoption approval" letter in March of 2009. Throughout this entire process, we referred to our little girl as "Ladybug". She didn't have a name. We didn't know how old she would be or even what race she would be. Ladybug just seem to fit.
The afternoon my life changed:
It was a Wednesday afternoon (July 8th). I was tired and sleepy. Zachary was napping so I told Lance that I was going to lay down for a bit and I didn't want to talk to anyone. My mom ALWAYS calls and I told Lance the only person he was to wake me up for was Melyssa. (I think it is kinda funny that I said this). I was laying down....I hear the phone ring. I hear Lance walk up the hall. He opens the door and turns the light on.
me: Tell my mom I will call her later
Lance: It's Melyssa. They have a baby for us
me: (Sitting up so quickly I alsmot jumped out of bed) That's not funny Lance.
hello?
WOW! That quickly. In an afternoon when I least expected it I became a mommy again.
Melyssa explained that there was a baby girl that was born on the 4th of July. (LET FREEDOM RING!) she was reported healthy. Thats was it. That was all the information we got. She said we needed to be at the hospital now...as soon as we could.
Ever heard of the phrase "Running around like a chicken with its head cut off" oh yeah...that was me!! One of my best friends watch Zachary as Lance and I drove to the hospital (which so happened to be almost 2 hours away....that drive was torture). Once we got to the hospital we learned more. The little baby girl was very tiny. Her birthmother had no prenatal care so the doctors and nurses were not sure how early she was. But she was a healthy 4lbs and 9oz! Oh my! Talk about scared to death to hold her. We learned she was Mexican and had a ton of hair.
Goose Bump Time:
The nurses at the hospital were so sweet. When they let us see her I could not believe how incredibly TINY she was. And then I looked at her name. The name the nurses at the hospital had given her b/c she didn't have one yet. They had named her Isabella. I started crying. Lance started crying. The nurses just looked at us and when I explained to them that that was our daughter that had passed away they too started to cry. God, and I truly believe this with all of my heart, hand-picked my little Ladybug for me. He was saying in that moment: "Here is my reason. She needed a mommy and you are the one I have chosen". We named our Ladybug Sophia Elizabeth.
My little tiny SPITFIRE! She is a mess! All girl. Loves dress-up and LOVES her DADDY! Oh my!! She will never know what she means to me. She is such a blessing in our lives!!
Let me take a second to clarify some details. Zachary was 6 months old when Isabella died. Lance's brother had his wreck about 2 weeks after Izzy. Isabella died in May of 2008. In August of 2008 our second adoption journey began.
Once we found out we could adopt from the foster care system (FOR FREE!) we were so excited! We were able to pick the age range (we only wanted our next child to be younger than Zachary sense he was our first born). We were also able to pick the gender. We both wanted a girl (though I think if Melyssa-our case worker- had called with a little boy we would not have turned him down) But I had all of the little girl things from when I was pregnant with Isabella.
Our first meeting was in August of 2008 just 3 short months after Isabella died. We thought the adoption process would take years and we were fine with that. Zachary was still very young. Our homestudy was complete in January of 2009 and we received our "adoption approval" letter in March of 2009. Throughout this entire process, we referred to our little girl as "Ladybug". She didn't have a name. We didn't know how old she would be or even what race she would be. Ladybug just seem to fit.
The afternoon my life changed:
It was a Wednesday afternoon (July 8th). I was tired and sleepy. Zachary was napping so I told Lance that I was going to lay down for a bit and I didn't want to talk to anyone. My mom ALWAYS calls and I told Lance the only person he was to wake me up for was Melyssa. (I think it is kinda funny that I said this). I was laying down....I hear the phone ring. I hear Lance walk up the hall. He opens the door and turns the light on.
me: Tell my mom I will call her later
Lance: It's Melyssa. They have a baby for us
me: (Sitting up so quickly I alsmot jumped out of bed) That's not funny Lance.
hello?
WOW! That quickly. In an afternoon when I least expected it I became a mommy again.
Melyssa explained that there was a baby girl that was born on the 4th of July. (LET FREEDOM RING!) she was reported healthy. Thats was it. That was all the information we got. She said we needed to be at the hospital now...as soon as we could.
Ever heard of the phrase "Running around like a chicken with its head cut off" oh yeah...that was me!! One of my best friends watch Zachary as Lance and I drove to the hospital (which so happened to be almost 2 hours away....that drive was torture). Once we got to the hospital we learned more. The little baby girl was very tiny. Her birthmother had no prenatal care so the doctors and nurses were not sure how early she was. But she was a healthy 4lbs and 9oz! Oh my! Talk about scared to death to hold her. We learned she was Mexican and had a ton of hair.
Goose Bump Time:
The nurses at the hospital were so sweet. When they let us see her I could not believe how incredibly TINY she was. And then I looked at her name. The name the nurses at the hospital had given her b/c she didn't have one yet. They had named her Isabella. I started crying. Lance started crying. The nurses just looked at us and when I explained to them that that was our daughter that had passed away they too started to cry. God, and I truly believe this with all of my heart, hand-picked my little Ladybug for me. He was saying in that moment: "Here is my reason. She needed a mommy and you are the one I have chosen". We named our Ladybug Sophia Elizabeth.
She was so tiny.
Z was about 2 1/2 and Sophia was about 9 months old in this picture. April of 2010
At her first birthday party. She wasn't walking yet. (She didn't walk until 17 months)
My gorgeous Ladybug just a few days ago at the beach. 23 months.
Isabella
About a month after Zachary was born I got pregnant. As scared as I was, I was very excited. My doctor had figured out why I kept having early miscarriages. So with that taken care of I was elated when I made to 13 weeks and beyond.
I was at work one day. I was about 20 weeks. I went to the bathroom and my pants were wet. I knew it wasn't normal so I went to the doctor to make sure everything was ok with the baby. I was dilated about 1 cm and leaking amniotic fluid. I was immediately rushed to the hospital where I was on bed rest until the end of my pregnancy. At this point, I did not realize how serious the situation was. They scheduled me for a cerclage (sewing of the cervix) the next day. I didn't learn this until 2 years later but when they went in to do the cerclage I was dilated 3-4 cm and my water had fully broken. At this point there was nothing the doctors could do. Many of them wanted to go ahead and induce me. I was told my baby girl was not going to make it. There was no hope.
Being the stubborn person I am I choose to stay pregnant in hopes that I could fight off infection until 25 weeks. If I made it that far, she would have had a chance at living. The entire time I laid in the hospital (with my feet above my head at all times) I felt her move. Her heart beat never dropped. It was strong the entire time. I wasn't even allowed to get up to use the bathroom. The doctors kept me on antibiotics to try and prevent an infection.
At 22 weeks ,I felt it. Cramping. I knew what was about to happen. I was going to have a baby. A very healthy baby girl that was perfect in every way. Just too tiny for this world. Labor was horrid. And it wasn't the pain. It was knowing that I was going to have a baby and have her die in my arms.
Isabella Marie was born on May 22, 2008 at 1 am. She weighed 15oz and was 11in. She looked just like her daddy. She lived for a very short time. I am blessed that I got to hold her and sing to her for her entire short life. The songs I sang to her have never crossed my lips again. She was buried a day or two later (this time runs together for me as just one big nightmare). She is buried beside Lance's daddy.
So now I can fully explain to you how Zachary saved my life. Because he did. While I was in the hospital trying to save my baby, he stayed with my parents. The guilt was endless. I couldn't take care of my son. But I knew he was in good hands. I was the only one that could take care of Isabella and that's what i tried to do. I do not know what would have happened if I had come home to an empty house. Zachary saved me. He gave me focus and purpose. Depression set in and stayed with me for 3 solid years. Even though there were happy times in my life (My Ladybug story is next) I always felt sad and depressed. All I ever wanted to do was eat and sleep. And so I did. Gained a ton of weight too. But who can blame me?
I miss Isabella every day. Some days it is overwhelming. But I think for the most part I do pretty good. Her birthday is always a hard time for me. When bad things happen you tend to relive it when the anniversary comes around.
So...why did Isabella have to die? I have asked myself this question more times than I can count. My first answer is always to blame myself. I think I will always blame myself. I love it when people tell me "there is nothing I could have done" or "it's not your fault! you did everything possible". While this is true and I know it to be true it does not change the fact that it was MY body that failed her. She was perfectly healthy. I just had her too soon. The difference is that those thoughts do not consume me and make me hate myself like they once did. Because I did HATE even looking in the mirror and seeing my reflection. I still do HATE that person I was. She killed my baby. And I hate her. But I do not feel I am that person anymore. So much has happened to me since Isabella died. I feel I am completely different. I don't really know if that makes any sense at all but it is how I feel.
I feel very strongly, however, that God had such a bigger plan for me that, at the time of her death, I was too grief stricken to see it.
That bigger plan is sitting beside me now....eating her cookies with her lopsided pig tails. She will never know what she means to me. Her and I were meant to be together like peanut butter and jelly!
I was at work one day. I was about 20 weeks. I went to the bathroom and my pants were wet. I knew it wasn't normal so I went to the doctor to make sure everything was ok with the baby. I was dilated about 1 cm and leaking amniotic fluid. I was immediately rushed to the hospital where I was on bed rest until the end of my pregnancy. At this point, I did not realize how serious the situation was. They scheduled me for a cerclage (sewing of the cervix) the next day. I didn't learn this until 2 years later but when they went in to do the cerclage I was dilated 3-4 cm and my water had fully broken. At this point there was nothing the doctors could do. Many of them wanted to go ahead and induce me. I was told my baby girl was not going to make it. There was no hope.
Being the stubborn person I am I choose to stay pregnant in hopes that I could fight off infection until 25 weeks. If I made it that far, she would have had a chance at living. The entire time I laid in the hospital (with my feet above my head at all times) I felt her move. Her heart beat never dropped. It was strong the entire time. I wasn't even allowed to get up to use the bathroom. The doctors kept me on antibiotics to try and prevent an infection.
At 22 weeks ,I felt it. Cramping. I knew what was about to happen. I was going to have a baby. A very healthy baby girl that was perfect in every way. Just too tiny for this world. Labor was horrid. And it wasn't the pain. It was knowing that I was going to have a baby and have her die in my arms.
Isabella Marie was born on May 22, 2008 at 1 am. She weighed 15oz and was 11in. She looked just like her daddy. She lived for a very short time. I am blessed that I got to hold her and sing to her for her entire short life. The songs I sang to her have never crossed my lips again. She was buried a day or two later (this time runs together for me as just one big nightmare). She is buried beside Lance's daddy.
So now I can fully explain to you how Zachary saved my life. Because he did. While I was in the hospital trying to save my baby, he stayed with my parents. The guilt was endless. I couldn't take care of my son. But I knew he was in good hands. I was the only one that could take care of Isabella and that's what i tried to do. I do not know what would have happened if I had come home to an empty house. Zachary saved me. He gave me focus and purpose. Depression set in and stayed with me for 3 solid years. Even though there were happy times in my life (My Ladybug story is next) I always felt sad and depressed. All I ever wanted to do was eat and sleep. And so I did. Gained a ton of weight too. But who can blame me?
I miss Isabella every day. Some days it is overwhelming. But I think for the most part I do pretty good. Her birthday is always a hard time for me. When bad things happen you tend to relive it when the anniversary comes around.
So...why did Isabella have to die? I have asked myself this question more times than I can count. My first answer is always to blame myself. I think I will always blame myself. I love it when people tell me "there is nothing I could have done" or "it's not your fault! you did everything possible". While this is true and I know it to be true it does not change the fact that it was MY body that failed her. She was perfectly healthy. I just had her too soon. The difference is that those thoughts do not consume me and make me hate myself like they once did. Because I did HATE even looking in the mirror and seeing my reflection. I still do HATE that person I was. She killed my baby. And I hate her. But I do not feel I am that person anymore. So much has happened to me since Isabella died. I feel I am completely different. I don't really know if that makes any sense at all but it is how I feel.
I feel very strongly, however, that God had such a bigger plan for me that, at the time of her death, I was too grief stricken to see it.
That bigger plan is sitting beside me now....eating her cookies with her lopsided pig tails. She will never know what she means to me. Her and I were meant to be together like peanut butter and jelly!
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Mama's Boy!
About eight months after Lance and I got married, I got pregnant. Of course I was super excited and he was very nervous. But on June 6 (shortly before our first anniversary) I had a miscarriage. You hear: "It wasn't meant to be", "At least it was early", "Relax! It will happen when it is supposed to." For those reading this let me tell you....DO NOT SAY THESE THINGS TO A WOMAN THAT HAS LOST A BABY!!! These are not words of comfort. They make us angry!
After months of trying to get pregnant again I finally go to my doctor only to learn that I have PCOS. We start fertility drugs but quickly decided that neither of us want to spend a lot of time and money on fertility treatment. We would rather put that money towards adoption. After my second miscarriage, we decided we would adopt.
And let me make something very clear: Adoption to me is/was NOT simply because I had no other way of having children. Adoption is an amazing blessing and a wonderful way to grow a family. I did not adopt as a "second best" way of starting my family. Lance and I adopted because it is what God called us to do. We would have done it anyways-even if we had already had 2 bio children.
We decided to go with private, domestic adoption. Once we signed on with our attorney the process was pretty quick. (That's what happens when you pay a lot of money for it). In August of 2007 we were matched with a birthmother. On November 21, 2007 at 5:37pm Zachary Isaac was born. He weighed 7lbs 4oz., 19in, full head of black hair and absolutely perfect. I feel in love immediately!! For those that do not have children let me just say that you have not loved until you become a parent. The love you have for your child/ren is overwhelming at the very least. There are still times when I sit at night and rock my Zachary and cry because I am so in love with him it drives me crazy.
He saved me. I do not think he will ever fully understand how much he saved me. I will try to explain this more in my next post..."Isabella"
He is all boy!! Oh my! WILD, CRAZY! Loves sports and loves to run. But he is so loving and sweet and kind-hear ted it melts me. He is a wonderful big brother to his sisters. I cannot wait to see how God is going to use my little man! Many many more pictures to follow :)
After months of trying to get pregnant again I finally go to my doctor only to learn that I have PCOS. We start fertility drugs but quickly decided that neither of us want to spend a lot of time and money on fertility treatment. We would rather put that money towards adoption. After my second miscarriage, we decided we would adopt.
And let me make something very clear: Adoption to me is/was NOT simply because I had no other way of having children. Adoption is an amazing blessing and a wonderful way to grow a family. I did not adopt as a "second best" way of starting my family. Lance and I adopted because it is what God called us to do. We would have done it anyways-even if we had already had 2 bio children.
We decided to go with private, domestic adoption. Once we signed on with our attorney the process was pretty quick. (That's what happens when you pay a lot of money for it). In August of 2007 we were matched with a birthmother. On November 21, 2007 at 5:37pm Zachary Isaac was born. He weighed 7lbs 4oz., 19in, full head of black hair and absolutely perfect. I feel in love immediately!! For those that do not have children let me just say that you have not loved until you become a parent. The love you have for your child/ren is overwhelming at the very least. There are still times when I sit at night and rock my Zachary and cry because I am so in love with him it drives me crazy.
He saved me. I do not think he will ever fully understand how much he saved me. I will try to explain this more in my next post..."Isabella"
My sweet boy at 3 months
Around 10 months
3 years old with his frog "Oliver"
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Newbie
I am new at the whole blog thing. I don't really expect anyone to read this but if for some reason you stumble across me please be patient.
I am starting this blog because I think my journey through life is worth sharing and because I have found that writing is very therapeutic. I am 28 years old and feel like I have lived a lifetime with my husband of 6 years. Lance and I have been through more in our short time together than a lot of other couples I know. Good and bad. In the next few post I will share some of our journeys together so you can learn a little more about us. I will start with my children whom bless me and save me beyond measure!
I am starting this blog because I think my journey through life is worth sharing and because I have found that writing is very therapeutic. I am 28 years old and feel like I have lived a lifetime with my husband of 6 years. Lance and I have been through more in our short time together than a lot of other couples I know. Good and bad. In the next few post I will share some of our journeys together so you can learn a little more about us. I will start with my children whom bless me and save me beyond measure!
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