I was happy. God had given me a beautiful son and a gorgeous daughter. I had a wonderful job. I was content. And then I get thrown a curve ball. Lance and I had decided that getting pregnant might be a possibility far in to the future, but right now was not the time. We had two small children that needed our attention.
In January of 2010, my little brother got shot. It was touch and go for a few months. He actually did die a couple times but the doctors brought him back. They tried to save his leg, but were not able to and it had to be amputated. He was 15.
How I got pregnant through all of this stress is beyond me. But God has His own plans.
I remember being in Wal-Mart. I was on the cereal isle. A wave a nausea hit me and I almost threw up right there by the Cheerios. It left me as fast as it came. I thought "That was so weird". The next morning I woke up feeling bleh. I took a pregnancy test thinking the whole time that there was NO WAY I was pregnant. I learned a long time ago to stop buying the line test. I can make a line appear on those whether there is one or not. So when that digi said "pregnant" I about died! I could do nothing but laugh. I just sat there and laughed. Lance walked in looking at me like "?". I showed him the test and he says "No way. Is this right? OMG we are so screwed." (Gee thanks hun...stupid men)
After the shock wore off I went to the doctor and the plan was made. I was to be seen every week until the end of my pregnancy. My pregnancy lasted 36 weeks and I had probably 20 ultrasounds done if not more. Getting through the first trimester was hard. There is nothing the doctors can do if you miscarry in the first trimester (at one point I thought I was going to miscarry but I didn't-obviously). Once I made it past 12 weeks I had a cerclage (sewing of the cervix). I wasn't on bed rest but I wasn't allowed to do much of anything. (no sex the entire time, no working out, no picking up Zachary) It was hard. I had shots every week (progesterone shots) to help prevent labor.
At 28 weeks I was at the hospital about every other weekend with labor symptoms. They always came at night and always came after a week of work. The doctor told me that I didn't have to be on bed rest as long as the cerclage stayed in place and my cervix stayed closed. It did so I was given a Rx for terbutaline to stop contractions once they started. Contractions are not good when you have a cerclage b/c the contractions can make you start to dilate which will rip the cervix. Yeah...I didn't want that.
Other than the preventative measures and weekly doctor visits the pregnancy was pretty uneventful. I was sick the entire 9 months. Threw up daily. Couldn't eat hardly anything.
Now. What I am about to say some of you may find shocking. But this is my blog and I am going to be honest. Before I talk about my feelings while pregnant I want to say that My Emma is such a blessing and miracle in my life and I cannot imagine my life without her.
I think my feelings throughout Emma's pregnancy were justified. I did not want her if I could not keep her (does that make sense?). I did not (could not) want to give birth to another baby to have her die in my arms. I would have rather the pregnancy ended early than have that happen again. And I told God this...many times. I begged Him to not take this baby from me and if I was going to lose it then I wanted it done early. I had a very hard time wrapping my head around being pregnant. I just didn't want to be pregnant. I didn't want to know the sex (though we found out it was a girl); I didn't buy anything for her until the week before I had her. I disconnected myself from the pregnancy as much as possible. Was I still excited? oh yes. But it was a very reserved, muted excited.
Once I made it past week 32 I started to get more excited. I knew that if I did go into labor early that she would live and be ok.
It was a Saturday. I woke up and the plan was to pack my hospital bag and the baby's and get laundry caught up. I had already bought groceries the day before so Lance and the kids would have something to eat while I was in the hospital. While I was cleaning, my water broke. Lance had gone to play Frisbee Golf with some friends. I called him and told him that my water had broken and he needed to meet me at the hospital. Called my mom so she could be on her way. And called my BFF, Rhonda, so she could come watch the other two kids. Lance actually said "Do I have time to play?" Umm...no hun...Im going to have a baby. (men!) I go to the hospital and start to question myself. What if my water hadn't actually broken. The doctors refused to take the stitches out until 38 weeks. I was only 35w 5d. (And miserable!) But yes! My water had broken and the stitches could come out. I was actually going to have a baby!!
I was in labor for about 15 hours I guess. Around 2 am on Sunday morning I was fully dilated. I pushed for about 30 mins. Emma Catherine was born on October 3, 2010 at 2:43 am. She weighed 5lbs 9oz and was 19 1/2 in. I kept asking if she was dead. I do not think even I realized how scared I was that Emma would die. It was all I could say. I repeated it over and over "she's not dead!" Lance was wonderful. While the nurses did their thing, Lance stayed by my side and kept reassuring me that Emma was fine and they would bring her to me when they were done.
Something funny: when they handed her to me I looked at Lance and said "See...I TOLD you she was yours!" Emma (just like Isabella) looked just like her daddy.
I think it took me a good two months to look at Emma and actually SEE Emma. For a while there it was very hard to look at her because I saw Isabella. I was madly in love with my Emma though from the very beginning. Having her healed something inside me and I began to forgive myself slowly. Emma shares my kidney problems. She has reflux in both kidneys. We are praying she grows out of it, but more than likely she will have to have surgery in a year or two. I'm not looking forward to that but after all that Lance and I have been through, I know we can make it through.
I think the look on Lance's face says it all.
Zachary and Sophia meeting their little sister for the first time. Let me add that in the beginning Sophia did not like Emma. But she does great with her now. Zachary was kind and loving to Emma from the moment he saw her.
Our first family photo~what a disaster!
Fall of 2010: Emma was about 2 weeks old
Emma Catherine~ 6 months: Easter 2011
Mother's Day 2011....7 months.
But I really do want to adopt one more time. But I want to do it internationally. I wouldn't mind getting a little boy from Haiti. We shall see..... we shall see. :)
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